I’m tired in a way I haven’t been tired in a way that’s hard to measure.
My brain is tired. I feel like between the loss of my job, coordinating the move and unpacking, taking a new job and feeling like there is no room at all for dropping the ball has left me exhausted. Because R is buried in work and doesn’t have the bandwidth either. And everything. Every show, every errand, every event has felt essential. If I don’t fit this in, when will it fit in? Like if I let any of it slip the entire fucking train was going to go off the rails. From hitting up a giant vintage fleamarket, to driving to Baltimore three times in a single week for shows. Like I accidentally over-scheduled things I want to enjoy and every element of my life has felt like obligation and work. I mean I’ve enjoyed it, don’t get me wrong. But I’m so tired.
Getting through the birthday BBQ this weekend really felt like getting to the end of something. Like I can finally start changing other things. And the first part is going to be taking care of myself in a way that’s beyond just sprinting from one major thing to the next.
It’s weird to have quit this job and still have to be here. The culture, as broken and pained as some of it is, some of the people are close. It feels false to participate since all I want to do is get out of here, wipe the slate and put my energy into something that I feel like has the foundation to let me work towards a role I really enjoy that feels like it’s moving me forward. I learned a ton from my last job, I miss it tremendously, I also realize now, that for me it was one of the best jobs I’ve had for a bunch of reasons unique to the people, the culture, and the specific role that I was in. It’s much easier to see that clearly now. I mean I appreciated it the entire time I was there because I escaped a really terrible role before that but taking this new role I realized that I have a much stronger grasp on what I need to be doing. The last three months have really beat me up. I didn’t realize it.
I think being in a job where I realized I felt valuable because I was good at putting out all of the fires and being “everything” to everyone, without building something was a backwards feeling of validation.
Yesterday I spent most of the day thinking about how I wanted to start actively taking care of myself more… Mind & Body. So here’s my stream of concious listing about how I’m planning to do that.
- Sleep – I’m good about getting sleep, so sticking to 8 hours of melatonin assisted shut eye are critical to maintain.
- Read – I’d like to read a minimum of 20 pages of something every day that isn’t related to work or social media.
- Write- I also want to write, like this. Atleast every other day.
- Plan – Once I get settled into my new job I want to make sure I immediately look in to the professional development they offer (basic management training, writing conferences, writing classes, building a team)
- People – Trying to make time, once a week, to connect with someone outside of my immediate circle (see R, my Mom, Colleen).
Most of it’s body, but I know that’s all completely tied up in mind.
- Skin – So far the things I’ve been good at are: maintaining my skin care regimen. All of the serums, eye cream, lash booster, sunscreen. I’ve stayed on top of all of that. My stupid tinea versicolor is back so I need to treat that, which I did this morning, and I want to make sure I don’t end up with melasma on my face again (from too much sun on my face) MOAR HATS
- Vitamins – My supplements (I’ve been faithfully taking the D-Mannose, the uber probiotic and I followed the overall schedule for the month the Dr. prescribed.) I’ve yet to replace some of my other supplements because I have a follow up appointment with her on Thursday to go through my macro-nutrient analysis and will get better guidance on what I need to be eating. I hope to have a more specific recommendation on diet and supplements from the doctor by the end of the week.
- Water – 80 ounces daily (per doctors orders). I’ve been good but I need to stay on top of it. I struggle during the weekend and if I’m at home. I guess more distractions make that harder. I downloaded the FitBit app (I also ordered a Fitbit) so I started logging water today.
- Food – This is where I’ve struggled, victim of being overextended and unable to focus. No sugar, no bread/rice/etc. Meats,veggies, low sugar fruits, fats, nuts, etc… Going to manage a cheat day once a week for sanity and planning’s sake. No dairy except for coffee in the a.m. No gluten, trying to work more fish into the mix. Hoping to maintain this until we head to LA. 30 days.
- Exercise. For the first two weeks I’m going to be lenient about this until I get adjusted to the dietary changes. Hoping to spend time walking, light lifting as time/my headspace permit. My baseline goal is to just walk around the neighborhood if I need to. To get out. I want to try to run atleast once a week for the next four weeks. And to get myself a new swimsuit and googles to hopefully take advantage of our pool this summer. Once the new job starts I can work from home two days a week. I’d love to try to get in a weekly lunch time swim.
I read an article recently that said the idea that you can only make one thing a habit a time is a myth, and make no sense. So I’m viewing this as a full scale undertaking. I’ll change it all at once. I’ll read more, cook more, eat better, try to be kinder to myself during the process. Drop 20 fucking lbs and 3 inches off my waist. Stop using my privilege to _just_ throw_ money at the problem and put in the actual work for the shit I can change.
Here’s to the next 30 days. Fuck I’m already tired.